It has been almost a month since your passing. Writing to you is therapeutic for me. I have been experiencing so many different emotions. I am SAD, I am MAD and I am GLAD.
I am SAD that you are no longer with me. I miss hearing your voice. I miss seeing you sitting in your chair in your man cave, watching television with a bag of chips at your side. I miss how you tried to hide your stash of chips from the grand children– they found it every time. I even miss wiping the bagel crumbs off the kitchen cupboard every time I walk into the kitchen. I miss our heated discussions as to whether the toilet seat should be left up or down. I am SAD that we will not be doing things together and if I travel in the future, you won’t be at my side. I am SAD that I am grieving and that our children lost a father and that our grandchildren lost a grandfather. I remember when my father died when I was 16, everybody said that I had to look after my mother. I remember thinking “yes, but who is going to look after me?” I am sad that our friends and relatives are also mourning. You touched the lives of so many people .
I am MAD that you are no longer with me. I am MAD that I now have to pay the bills and mange household expenses. I am MAD that I am left to deal with all the everyday occurrences and I am MAD that I have to deal with the “WHY ME—G-D ? occurrences. Yes there have been some. A little more than a week ago the fire alarms from the building were activated at midnight. A somewhat panicked voice came over the speaker system telling everyone that an emergency situation had occurred and to remain calm, stay in your suite and wait for further instructions. Further instructions were a long time coming. The sirens continued for two hours. I was glad that two of our neighbours called me for moral support. An announcement was made stating that all was clear. I was going to go back to bed when I heard noise outside our door. Two workman were there with a suction machine trying to dry out the wet carpeting. They told me that a pipe had burst a few floors up and that the water was making its way down. It knocked out the elevator closest to our suite, knocked out the communication system and set off the alarms. I was relieved that no water came into our condo. But wait– that’s not the end of the story.
The next evening I was at our daughters for dinner. I returned home at 9:30, only to find that the three elevators were not working. Water somehow found its way into the other two working elevators. I walked up multiple flights of stairs to our place. The knees and lungs aren’t what they used to be. I was exhausted. Security checked to make sure I reached my destination safely. I became aware that several condo units in our line sustained water damage. I was told by management that they were going to check my apartment. Sure enough some of the floor boards were buckling.They removed some of the wooden boards and ran blowers and a dehumidifier for three days in an effort to prevent mould and mildew from forming. it appears that all our floors may have to be replaced because they have discontinued our flooring and we will be unable to match up the damaged area. It looks like there is water damage behind one wall. Management is planning to break open that wall to see what is going on. Our insurance has a large deductible and the renewal rates will go up drastically. But thankfully no one was injured.
I am GLAD for the continuation of love and support that I am receiving. I am GLAD for the memories and the stories friends and family tell of time spent with you. Nobody had a bad word to say about you. Interestingly, a number of your friends and buddies said they considered you to be their best friend.I am GLAD that you are at peace and that you went quickly and didn’t suffer. I am GLAD that you are no longer struggling to breathe. How hard it must have been for you to slow down the past few years. You were always so active and on the go and took advantage of what life had to offer. I no longer check to see if you are breathing. I no longer am in constant fear that you will suffer a heart attack or stroke. I am no longer in fear that death will find you. The worst has happened. Rest in peace my soulmate.