Dear D.

It has been almost a month since your passing.  Writing to you is therapeutic for me. I have been experiencing so many different emotions. I am SAD, I am MAD and I am GLAD.

I am SAD that you are no longer with me. I miss hearing your voice. I miss seeing you sitting in your chair  in your man cave, watching television with a bag of chips at your side. I miss how you tried to hide your stash of chips from the grand children– they found it every time. I even miss wiping the bagel crumbs off the kitchen cupboard every time I walk into the kitchen. I miss our heated discussions as to whether the toilet seat should be left up or down. I am SAD that we will not be doing things together and if I travel in the future, you won’t be at my side. I am SAD that I am grieving and that  our children lost a father and that our grandchildren lost a grandfather. I remember when my father died when I was 16, everybody said that I had to look after my mother. I remember thinking “yes, but who is going to look after me?” I am sad that our friends and relatives are also mourning. You touched the lives of so many people .

I am MAD that you are no longer with me. I am MAD that I now have to pay the bills and mange household expenses. I am MAD that I am left to deal with all the everyday occurrences and I am MAD that I  have to deal with the “WHY ME—G-D ? occurrences. Yes there have been some. A little more than a week ago the fire alarms from the building were activated at midnight. A somewhat panicked voice came over the speaker system telling everyone that an emergency situation had occurred and to remain calm, stay in your suite and wait for further instructions. Further instructions were a long time coming. The sirens continued for two hours. I was glad that two of our neighbours called me for moral support. An announcement was made stating that all was clear. I was going to go back to bed when I heard noise outside our door. Two workman were there with a suction machine trying to dry out the wet carpeting. They told me that a pipe had burst a few floors up and that the water was making its way down. It knocked out the elevator closest to our suite, knocked out the communication system and set off the alarms. I was relieved that no water came into our condo. But wait– that’s not the end of the story.

The next evening I was at our daughters for dinner. I returned home at 9:30, only to find that the three  elevators were not working. Water somehow found its way into the other two working elevators. I walked up multiple flights of stairs to our place. The knees and lungs aren’t what they used to be. I was exhausted. Security checked to make sure I reached my destination safely. I became aware that several condo units in our line sustained water damage. I was told by management that they were going to check my apartment. Sure enough some of the floor boards were buckling.They removed some of the wooden  boards and ran blowers and a dehumidifier for three days in an effort to prevent mould and mildew from forming. it appears that all our floors may have to be replaced because they have discontinued our flooring and we will be unable to match up  the damaged area. It looks like there is water damage behind one wall. Management is planning to break open that wall to see what is going on. Our insurance has a large deductible and the renewal rates will go up drastically. But thankfully no one was injured.

I am GLAD  for the continuation of love and support that I  am receiving. I am GLAD for the memories and the stories friends and family tell of time spent with you. Nobody had a bad word to say about you. Interestingly, a number of your friends and buddies said they considered you to be their best friend.I am GLAD that you are at peace and that you went quickly and didn’t suffer. I am GLAD that you are no longer struggling to breathe. How hard it must have been for you to slow down the past few years. You were always so active and on the go and took advantage of what life had to offer. I no longer  check to see if you are breathing. I no longer am in constant fear that you will suffer a heart attack or stroke. I am no longer in fear that death will find you. The worst has happened. Rest in peace my soulmate.

About epsnider

E.P SNIDER is the pen name that I used to publish "WHY ME- a memoir". I used a pen name so as not to embarrass my spouse, my offspring, their offspring, my grand dogs and my friends. A dream came true when I had my first book published at the age of sixty-nine. "WHY ME? "is a collection of memoirs recounted from various stages of my life and the lives of those that I love or like at least some of the time. Most of the incidences are humorous-some are not. I am a senior but I feel more like a junior except for the aches and pains. When I look in the mirror I often see my mother or some other aging lady with wrinkles and sun spots. The amount and depth of wrinkling depends on which mirror I am looking into, the degree of lighting and how well my skin absorbed the moisturizing cream that day. Although I am mature in years, maturity is definitely not one of my virtues. If something strikes me as funny I get the giggles. Most of my family and many of our friends have a rather warped sense of humour-so I giggle a lot. Laughter plays an important role in our lives. My friends were a significant inspiration for me to begin my writing career. For the past number of years hubby and I have been spending part of the winter season in Florida to escape the sometimes bitter cold climate in Toronto Canada. Every year I send emails to those left behind. To my delight they find my emails to be hysterical and a cure for their winter doldrums. They compare my style of writing to that of the late Erma Bombeck. For those of you not familiar with the author-- she was a beloved American humorist in the 1970's and 1980's. I have loved literature and creative writing from an early age. I spent some of my growing up years in Alberta and won a prize for a best poem commemorating Alberta's bicentennial year. My grade seven teacher was a large and forceful woman, with white hair and course bristly white chin hairs to match. We were all intimidated by her and thus listened intently as she drilled us about parsing sentences and adverbs and adjectives. She provided me with a good basis of the English language. In addition to "Why Me" I have had a short essay published in a book of assorted memoirs by Canadian woman. I currently write for our Toronto Condominium newspaper. I hope to do more writing, although I am not sure if my family can cope with any more of my meltdowns when blocks of written material mysteriously disappear off of my computor. I admit I am computor and electronically challenged, but I will persevere. - - - - - - - - - - - Writing has been a passion of mine through out my life. Ever since I took a step forward and entered into the world of computers, a new world of opened up for me. I found myself engrossed in writing emails with lengthy updates about my life's recent highlights. To my delight, people found me...funny! I then offered to write for my condo newsletter, and I recently had a short memoir published. For the last several years I became glued to my computer, transferring my hand-written life adventure notes to an actual story of my life's defining moments. Finally, at the age of 69, I was done... I wrote a book! AND it's actually published. People are reading it. People are enjoying it. I am thrilled! Plus, it's one of the greatest gifts I could ever give my family. Talk about a dream come true. My advice to you: Think positive, keep your eye on the prize, and you too can enjoy as your dreams and desires come to fruition.
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  1. pearlD. says:

    Good post Elaine….how are you doing now? How did you make out on your second go round?


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