It has been just over 3 months since D. left me. The hardest part for me is coming to terms with the fact that I am no longer a part of a We and that I am only a Me. I often say we are going to do this or we are going to do that. Then I remember . I correct myself and tears spring into my eyes. For numerous years we were a couple–we were a We. We did things together , we raised four children together– we weren’t always on the same wave length on child rearing , but I have to admit our offspring turned out pretty good. We spoiled our grandchildren together. We laughed, I cried -he didn’t he wasn’t a crier I am. We argued, we shared a similar mischievous, somewhat perverted sense of humour and we faced the ups and downs of life together.
I miss that guy. Oh, how I miss that guy. When I see a senior couple walking hand in hand or talking and laughing together–It hurts . Oh how it hurts. I am not an envious person by nature. I am happy for them and for their happiness, but wish I could still have that happiness . When I am included in social get-togethers with our married friends, I am appreciative of the inclusion, and I try hard not to feel like a fifth wheel. It isn’t easy even though they do their utmost to put me at ease.
The paper work has been exhausting. A simple name change request for a billing from a utility company can take forever. If I attempt to do it on the phone, I am put on hold for the next available operator. Sometimes I am disconnected. Sometimes they say they will phone back. They never do. Sometimes I am told they cannot do anything until I fax or mail the death certificate and documents to them showing that I am the executor of the estate. Sometimes I am told that they can’t do a change over the phone and I should go online to their website. Often when I do go on line their site is no longer available.
The paper work is coming near the end. That is good and that is bad. Now that I have a little more time, there is more time to think and more time to cry. When something reminds me of D. I still burst into tears. It doesn’t matter where I am. I still don’t have the patience to read. I used to cook. I don’t cook any more although I keep buying food for the fridge and freezer. I throw out a lot of food . What a waste. I am determined to change my ways. Some days I feel like my head is ready to explode. I have fog brain and can’t think. Stress is bad, and so is sadness.
A few word of advise. Keep things simple . Multiple gas cards, credit cards etc. are not necessary. Both partners in a marriage or relationship should know the financial goings on — how bills are paid and from where. Communicate with each other and most important enjoy and love each other and treat each day as this might be the last day of your life as you know it.