It has been  just over 3 months since D. left me. The hardest part for me is coming to terms with the fact that I am no longer a part of a We and that I am only a Me. I often say we are going to do this or we are going to do that. Then I remember . I correct myself and tears spring into my eyes. For numerous years we were a couple–we were a We. We did things together , we raised four children together– we weren’t always on the same wave length on child rearing , but I have to admit our offspring turned out pretty good.  We spoiled our grandchildren together. We laughed, I cried -he didn’t he wasn’t a crier I am. We argued, we shared a similar mischievous, somewhat perverted sense of humour and we faced the ups and downs of life together.

I miss that guy. Oh, how I miss that guy. When I see a senior couple walking hand in hand or talking and laughing together–It hurts . Oh how it hurts. I am not an envious person by nature. I am happy for them and for their happiness, but wish I could still have that happiness . When I am included in social get-togethers with our married friends, I am appreciative of the inclusion, and I try hard  not to feel like a fifth wheel. It isn’t easy even though they do their utmost to put me at ease.

The paper work has been exhausting. A simple name change request for a billing from a utility company can take forever. If I attempt to do it on the phone, I am put on hold for the next available operator. Sometimes I am disconnected. Sometimes they say they will phone back. They never do. Sometimes I am told  they cannot do anything until I  fax or mail the death certificate and documents to them showing that I am the executor of the estate. Sometimes I am told that they can’t do a change over the phone and I should go online to their website. Often when I do go on line their site is no longer available.

The  paper work is coming near the end. That is good and that is bad. Now that I have a little more time, there is more time to think and more time to cry.  When something reminds me of D. I still burst into tears. It doesn’t matter where I am. I still don’t have the patience to read. I used to cook. I don’t cook any more although I keep buying food for the fridge and freezer. I throw out a lot of food . What a waste. I am determined to change my ways. Some days I feel like my head is ready to explode. I have fog brain and can’t think. Stress is bad, and so is sadness.

A few word of advise. Keep things simple . Multiple gas cards, credit cards etc. are not necessary. Both partners in a marriage or relationship should know the financial goings on — how bills are paid and from where. Communicate with each other and most important enjoy and love each other and treat each day as this might be the last day of your life as you know it.


About epsnider

E.P SNIDER is the pen name that I used to publish "WHY ME- a memoir". I used a pen name so as not to embarrass my spouse, my offspring, their offspring, my grand dogs and my friends. A dream came true when I had my first book published at the age of sixty-nine. "WHY ME? "is a collection of memoirs recounted from various stages of my life and the lives of those that I love or like at least some of the time. Most of the incidences are humorous-some are not. I am a senior but I feel more like a junior except for the aches and pains. When I look in the mirror I often see my mother or some other aging lady with wrinkles and sun spots. The amount and depth of wrinkling depends on which mirror I am looking into, the degree of lighting and how well my skin absorbed the moisturizing cream that day. Although I am mature in years, maturity is definitely not one of my virtues. If something strikes me as funny I get the giggles. Most of my family and many of our friends have a rather warped sense of humour-so I giggle a lot. Laughter plays an important role in our lives. My friends were a significant inspiration for me to begin my writing career. For the past number of years hubby and I have been spending part of the winter season in Florida to escape the sometimes bitter cold climate in Toronto Canada. Every year I send emails to those left behind. To my delight they find my emails to be hysterical and a cure for their winter doldrums. They compare my style of writing to that of the late Erma Bombeck. For those of you not familiar with the author-- she was a beloved American humorist in the 1970's and 1980's. I have loved literature and creative writing from an early age. I spent some of my growing up years in Alberta and won a prize for a best poem commemorating Alberta's bicentennial year. My grade seven teacher was a large and forceful woman, with white hair and course bristly white chin hairs to match. We were all intimidated by her and thus listened intently as she drilled us about parsing sentences and adverbs and adjectives. She provided me with a good basis of the English language. In addition to "Why Me" I have had a short essay published in a book of assorted memoirs by Canadian woman. I currently write for our Toronto Condominium newspaper. I hope to do more writing, although I am not sure if my family can cope with any more of my meltdowns when blocks of written material mysteriously disappear off of my computor. I admit I am computor and electronically challenged, but I will persevere. - - - - - - - - - - - Writing has been a passion of mine through out my life. Ever since I took a step forward and entered into the world of computers, a new world of opened up for me. I found myself engrossed in writing emails with lengthy updates about my life's recent highlights. To my delight, people found me...funny! I then offered to write for my condo newsletter, and I recently had a short memoir published. For the last several years I became glued to my computer, transferring my hand-written life adventure notes to an actual story of my life's defining moments. Finally, at the age of 69, I was done... I wrote a book! AND it's actually published. People are reading it. People are enjoying it. I am thrilled! Plus, it's one of the greatest gifts I could ever give my family. Talk about a dream come true. My advice to you: Think positive, keep your eye on the prize, and you too can enjoy as your dreams and desires come to fruition.
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  1. Hadn’t heard from you for a little while so thought I’d pop over and say good morning. Stress and sadness, yes very bad things. Unfortunately not many can escape either one. We just carry on as best we can. Very good advice you’ve offered here. You are a determined person and that determination to change things in your every day life (regardless of the difficulty) will be of great benefit to you. Take care of yourself. Elizabeth


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